Stay.
There are no words to express the agony it brings me to say that Sunday, May 3rd, my sweet son David shot and killed himself at 15 years old. My world is shattered- nothing makes sense, my heart hurts so severely that I’m shocked it can still beat, my soul feels like it’s been ripped from my body, I am absolutely petrified for those I love to the point I feel like I am in a continuous panic attack, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m confused…
I know I am not alone in wondering why and I’m devastated to not know the answer. There was no note, no mention of anything even close to that nature in his phone and laptop (per investigators) and he had seemed the happiest he’s ever been. Many of us had all been commenting on how much joy his birthday gift of a new pet bird, Nezuko, was bringing him, the two of them were quite the pair.
So, what happened??? His downfall was school, he was failing and had been working through a long list of missing assignments. Did he snap under the pressure- coupled with his struggle to grasp consequences? This has been our best guess, but I don’t know the answer and that will forever haunt me. While some may feel as though a self inflicted death shouldn’t be spoken about publicly, I will not stop trying to help those hiding their mental health struggles and I will not ever stop telling the world of the life of my youngest baby-son.
David was my mischievous-sweetheart, my jokester-animal whisperer, my ‘tough as nails’-trooper with a soft heart. As a little child, David’s energy gave me a run for my money! He loved to explored was fearless and wild. When it came to animals, he had the most tender and loving heart towards any creature big or small and they seemed to gravitate to him. As he grew older he calmed down and while he still had a mischievous streak, he was an extremely laid back, go with the flow kind of guy. When he was little he loved his role of “annoying little brother” a little too much, but in recent years had reined that in and was embracing his siblings as his closest friends. At 5’ 8” he now proudly towered over me, his feet the size of small boats. He loved his people, wood carving, anime, the color purple, animals, *all* food, legos and was always smiling and laughing. The day before he left I had to get on my tiptoes to put my cold nose on his soft, warm cheek and I remember thinking to myself to savor that feeling that it was still just as soft as it was when he was little and that soon it would be a prickly cheek of a man.
One thing that I just know in my heart is true, if he would have taken just a moment to think of what this would do to me, his siblings, his family, his friends…he wouldn’t have done it. If I could have had just 10 second to change his mind, he would have stayed. He would have stayed and things would have gotten better. Had I just known, even a little hint, I could have helped if he would have just let me. He truly had us all fooled.
If you are someone that is hiding your struggles, I beg and plead to please give your loved ones the opportunity to help you. Let a counselor help you. Let a teacher help you. Let a friend help up. Let ME help you. But please, please, please- think of my David and my broken heart and STAY.
Suicide Hotline:
Dial 988